Why I left Instagram
Soooo here’s the thing.
With this blog, my intention has always and always been to inspire young girls to see that they can push their boundaries and achieve big things. That they can do more than just one thing, and the things they truly want. My intention is to empower young girls and open their minds in the smallest of ways so they know where to begin with. My intention is to humanize people and let them grow in compassion and empathy. I show aspects of my life many influencers would be afraid to show but I’m not. I share what is real. People are afraid to show real because it makes them vulnerable and feel exposed. But I feel a connection with my followers and so every single thing I share is with 100% intent of sharing it. Things I don’t feel like sharing I don’t and not a hint is passed by. What one wants to share is entirely within one’s discretion and there is nothing wrong with that. I have always wanted for people to come on my page and leave with something good - a smile, a laugh, a feeling, a lesson, an idea, an inspiration, a motivation - anything. I know that I have been able to do that many times, because I have received those messages and I want to continue to do the same.
Many of you follow me very very regularly on Instagram stories and know what they’re generally about. There is a lot of transparency. I very openly share my lifestyle and everything I do. I share about my marriage, my daily routines, my work place, things I do at my work place, food I cook, my every day experiences, PR packages, my daily chores, things I learned, how I feel about God and people, events I attend etc etc - you know it. If there is something I love, I JUST HAVE THIS URGE for other to people to see it too. If something makes me happy, I have to express it. I OPENLY share my excitement, my happiness, and my love for things - all big and small. SEVERAL times I have also shown how hectic my schedule is, I have shared when I’m running on low sleep, I have shared when I don’t feel like going to work, I have shared when I’m down, when I’m TIRED, I have shared my grief over my fathers death, lessons I’ve learned and I have shared when something has upset me.
I’m going to talk more about myself here. I don’t get upset over hate comments, I don’t get upset over criticism, in fact, I don’t even get upset over judgement. I get upset over being misunderstood. I am upset with the constant and growing negative connotation that is being attached with being an influencer on instagram and it seems to have exclusively become a bad thing.
But something recently pushed me to leave Instagram for a while so lets get to it.
Background story of the build up in my head: I met a couple of people at events and other places recently that after I introduced myself as a blogger, or social media influencer passed derogatory comments about my work. Comments around ‘oh so what you basically do is you put out products for people to see, the ones you get free’ with like straight up judgement. This, with completely disregarding everything I do, without taking a moment to try to understand my work. Now I know I have always been that person who has not ever been affected by what people think, but with multiple people judging my work that I put my heart and soul into, and making me into something I’m not, has hurt me. I read tweets and saw pictures with those quotes like ‘stop following influencers, who only make you feel like shit about your life because theirs is so great’ which made me feel awful because I felt offended and my intentions of bloggers like me misunderstood. That’s not what all of us do and that’s not the ONLY thing we do either. Those things were literally all over the internet. And while my head was REALLY going into this spiral of doubt and guilt like do I make people feel bad about their lives? Is that why I came here? Am I wasting people’s time when they come on my page? Am I hurting people indirectly? I WAS LITERALLY questioning myself everyday and almost crying to sleep feeling like I was doing something wrong. If that’s what me sharing things is making people feel then I went to get off. I was in a state of anxiety when I would go to work or meet people, and wonder if they think I’m a superficial show off out there just literally wasting everyone’s time. I felt so misunderstood because no! that’s not who I am, and no that’s not what my intention is.
I woke up one day and I felt exhausted and REALLY SICK. It was a Saturday morning and I had to go to the hospital. Everybody at home was asleep and I didn’t want to go. I made it to the hospital at 8.15. We aren’t supposed to start OPD until 9.00 so I was free and I made this video on my insta story saying how tired I am, and how difficult I find it sometimes to show up to work on Saturdays, specially when everyone is sleeping at home or I'm not well. I got a DM saying how ridiculous as a medical professional it was for me to think about my sleep and wanting to stay in when there are patients who want to be treated.. excuse me though? Am I not human just because I’m a medical professional? My intention was to show that I do get tired, I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together and the funny thing is, despite my state of mind and how sick I was, I had showed up right? But that’s not even the point. The point is, EVERY SINGLE TIME I have come out with a problem, or a sad story, or something I’m upset about I have been attacked for either ‘not knowing what real problems are because I’m too privileged’ or being ‘an attention seeker’ or ‘ having first world problems’ - I couldn’t understand that when I hide all my worries and problems, and put only the good things about my life out there then it’s showing off and making people feel bad but when I share my problems, I’m an attention seeker. How was that fair? :(`
Another time I put up a story mentioning I was running on three hours of sleep. That’s it. I mention a lot of things, and I mentioned this one too. Funny, I got a DM saying ‘dude I’m sorry but why do you make it look like your life is so tough when you’re just a dentist’ followed by some other stuff. Can somebody tell me how it is wrong to share I’m sleep deprived? My life is not tough because I’m a dentist, my life is tough because of several other things that I don’t complain about but I DO show them. Also, why is it wrong to humanize people working in the medical field who show up everyday despite their own struggles. I know the number of times we go to work feeling sick but we do for our patients, many who come from really far off places, or for other doctors who will have to fill in. I get up and go because I have a responsibility. I have other people to keep that in check for me but that does not make me less human. I remember crying that day at the hospital because I FELT SO SAD that day. There had been a build up for so long and this kind of pushed me over the edge.
I’m sorry but I cannot pretend to be happy when I’m not, neither can I pretend to hide things I’m happy about because i’m not this person. I believe happiness should be shared. Always. People don’t share happiness, but I do. People don’t share problems, however small, but I do. It should not be labelled as attention seeking or showing off when you don’t know my intention. God knows my intention. And if you really do want to call this expression anything or label it, then call it the ''truth” - because that’s what it is.
I kept wondering if my content was lacking meaning even though I had exclusively avoided working with so many brands to stay true to my content and so that people wouldn’t have to come and feel like ‘omg how many times do I have to see another discount code from the same brand!?!?!’ and waste their time no matter how much money making opportunity it gave me. I decided to get away and wanted to disassociate. I wanted to re-imagine my blog and come back with more clarity. I wanted to go and feed my soul and talk to Allah Tallah to help me figure this out and guide me. I’ve been sad and lost and directionless. I’ve been questioning what I’m doing here and I’ve been doubting my content. I prayed and I got my answers before I even had to leave.
But I took the break anyway. For the sake of my mental peace, for the sake of my creativity. For the sake of getting my time to entirely focus on feeding my soul this Ramzan and MOST importantly, to reinforce that for me, blogging is not a rat race, it is not a competition and I am in no way scared of feeling left behind. And I will literally take a years break if that’s what it takes to stay true to my content so I took it and I haven’t felt so mentally free in a really long time. :)
I just want to say that I’m sorry if anything I ever put out on social media has made you feel in a way that has caused hurt. It is not my intent. I never want you to feel that way. But the truth is that no matter what I do, at the end of the day, one person or another, might feel hurt or offended or insecure. It is not possible for me, or anyone out there to be able to please everyone. But I assure you, the intent is never ever ill, and if there is any responsibility I have and can keep is to be true to myself and my content whatever that is. The rest is not in my control.
I also really really want to thank those people who without knowing what I was feeling and going through, sent me messages of how they had been thinking I’m a breath of fresh air on their Instagram, how my content has always and only helped them, how I’ve inspired them, how genuine they think I am and how much they truly appreciate the transparency and expression I offer. You were sent through God because the timing was too perfect to merely be a coincidence. It reminded me to stay and every bit of doubt I had about myself was taken away. I thank you for it. You are what made me realize I needed to stay and be around for people who saw what I truly was about.
In the end I want to say that this is not an explanation, it is not anything. It is not a rant. It is yet again just feelings I wanted to share with you. So thank you for reading this because It makes me truly happy that I can pour my heart here and feel no shame in talking to my followers. Thank you for letting me do that.
See you really soon
Lots of love and positive vibes only,